Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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