I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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