LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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