I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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