It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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