If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my shit smells like andre
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im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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