I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize