So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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