Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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