Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
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Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came so hard my ears popped.
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