Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The air taste purple.
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