I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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