The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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