He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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