I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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