he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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