i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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