I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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