If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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