i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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