he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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