If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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