Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
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We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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