Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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