I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I looked at my own cervix.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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