if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You are a genius and a whore.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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