Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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