Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize