Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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