My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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