you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
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i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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