There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize