He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
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There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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