i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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