I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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