You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
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I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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