the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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