toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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