I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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