You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 2 1 whiskey
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize