How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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