I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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