Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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