Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love you.
Bad choice
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