He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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