I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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