no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize