please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's no shave November. This is our time.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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