Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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