Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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